


Lesson 3: Keep Moving Forward

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel - Freeform, Fighting, Fluff, M/M, Supernatural - Freeform, Swearing, i probably missed tagging characters, kiss and make up, long night impala rides
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2019-04-22 04:49:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14301150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: sorry this took so long!I'm a teacher, and we started administering our state standardized tests, and I'm whooped when I come home...bless





	1. Highway To Somewhere

**Author's Note:**

> sorry this took so long!
> 
> I'm a teacher, and we started administering our state standardized tests, and I'm whooped when I come home...
> 
> bless

When they got home, there was Gabriel, bright eyed and bushy tailed, a sucker hanging from his mouth. Castiel cut the engine, but he made no move to get out. Dean could practically feel the tension suffocating him in his seat.

“C’mon..” he said, giving Castiel a gentle nudge, “let’s get this over with…” 

Dean got out first, pulling his jacket from the seat as he stood. He probably looked a little like James Bond, standing there looking all debonair with his hair slicked back and his jacket over his shoulder. He gave a glance back to Castiel, and then moved up the little strip of sidewalk that led to their side of the condo.

“Gabriel, good to see you.” He meant it, kind of. While Michael was a giant asshole the last time Dean met his brothers, Gabriel hadn’t really done anything offensive. He was looking for a chance maybe to get to know this brother.

“Dean-o!” He walked toward him arms wide open, and pulled Dean into a hug. It knocked Dean off balance, but he caught himself before Gabriel knocked both of them over. He returned the hug, though not nearly as enthusiastically as the hug was given. 

“Gabriel, is there any specific reason you show up at my house unannounced?” Castiel was coming up the walk behind them, and Gabriel let him go.

“Awe, Cassie, don’t be like that. Can’t an older brother just drop in for a visit?”

“Not without a motive Gabriel….”

Gabriel shrugged, “Alright, you got me… I packed all my stuff up and moved outta Michael’s palace… He’s becoming quite…. unbearable.” 

Castiel rolled his eyes, and moved past them to the door, putting the key in the lock, “Tell me something I don’t know…”

Dean follows Castiel inside, closely followed by Gabriel, who appeared to be either trying to get around Dean, or get a piggy back ride. As soon as there was clearance, he scooted around him, catching up to Castiel.

“Aaaaaand. I was wondering if I could crash here for a bit until I found a place of my own?”

Castiel stopped dead, shooting the deathliest death glare over his should. If looks could kill, he’d had killed Gabriel clean through and killed Dean too. “Absolutely not, are you out of your mind?” 

“Cassie, don’t make me beg, come on….” While he said he wouldn’t beg, his voice was verging on whiney just enough that Dean could’ve gagged.

“How long is a bit?” Dean replied, moving to throw his suit jacket over the back of the couch. “Are we a bit….. or _a bit_?”

Castiel’s death glare somehow became even more frightening. Dean understood the dynamic of their relationship, but had a fondness for family.  
“Like a week or two… I’m not looking for like.. a threesome here, guys, honest, I’m just gonna surf the couch and keep going…”

Dean contemplated, trying to ignore the pursued lips and furrowed brow of his HANDSOME and DASHING boyfriend. God, Dean hoped he mastered telepathy. “I don’t have a problem with it, as long as, ya know, Castiel is…” Dean made sure to raise a challenging eyebrow at Castiel, and gave a half shrug.

“I… Suppose… Not…” He said through gritted teeth, motioning with his eyes to Dean, which could be interpreted as ‘Kitchen. Now’. Dean was more than happy to oblige that look.

* * *

Once, they were huddled closer, Castiel let loose, red rising on his face like a cartoon. “How could you.” He snapped, giving his shoulder a little push. “I had already said no…”

“I know, but you should at least hear him out,” he replied, in that tone of ‘I-know-better-than-you’. “ “Family doesn’t forget family…”

Castiel rolled his eyes, “Wow, Dean, do you want to be the pot, or the kettle? When the last time you even talked to Sam?”

Dean made this painful noise, “Are you kidding me…? We are not talking about me here!” He raised his voice a little louder than he’d meant to, which made Castiel, in turn, raise his voice a little louder even, “WE TOTALLY ARE! how are you even going to say that? You can’t tell that ‘family doesn’t forget family’, when you haven’t talked to Sam in ages.”

“Thats different, and you know it!” he retorted, his fists balled up at his sides. 

“Is it really though…” He hissed in replied, 

Dean stood up straighter than he ever had his life. An onlooker might’ve thought Dean was about to strike him, but Castiel knew better than that and therefore didn’t flinch away. He took in a raged breath, and shook his head instead, “You know what Cas, fuck that…” He brushed past him, grabbed his keys, and moved straight on out the door, not even bothering to say two words to Gabriel as he passed him on the sidewalk.

* * *

Dean was on the road, trying to keep his mind off things. Driving was his favorite thing to do, and he had one destination in mind. He was going to just drop in on Sam the way Gabriel dropped in on Castiel. California couldn’t be that far right?

Well… It totally was. 

26 hours, and two stops: one in Colorado, and one in Nevada. All the while he continued to ignore calls from Castiel, and never once made sure Sam knew he was coming. After all, if Castiel tried to get ahold of him, he had no idea where Dean was going anyway. And being that Sam hadn’t even bothered to call him, it was obvious that Castiel hadn’t alerted him that Dean was AWOL yet. 

It wasn’t so bad. He liked the sound of the impala’s engine, the road noise, and singing off key along with the radio. Who wouldn’t want this? It was amazing. Maybe he wouldn’t stop very long. Maybe he’d just keep going. It wasn’t like he had a terrible amount of possessions back at Castiel’s place. He could burn through some of his savings, settle in some backwoods town and just settle down there for a while, and repeat. Change his mind….. and now he was getting carried away. 

But in all serious, there was nothing stopping him from just never going back. He had his baby, and that was all he needed, the open road. He was currently driving into the sunrise, and it was honestly the most magical thing he’d ever seen in his entire life.

* * *

By the time he pulled up in front of Sam’s cute little house, he was exhausted. But seeing Sam moving in front of their giant front window refueled the fire of the reason he came. He’d lost the dress shirt to the back seat somewhere in Nevada because it was just so warm and he’d never been more thankful to have had a t-shirt underneath. He probably looked absolutely silly in dress shoes, dress pants…. and a t-shirt 

He got out, being sure not to slam the door. He wanted the front door opening to be the first time Sam saw him. His heart was racing by the time he got to the door that the door bell was deaf on his ears.

“Just a minute!” 

Sam’s voice made him so happy, he was practically jumping up and down. When the door opened, Dean had this obnoxious look on his face, and Sam was… stunned to be plain. 

“Dean… What are you doing here?”

“What? Can’t an older brother just drop in for a visit?”


	2. Cant Even Fix This

Sam had awkwardly welcomed him in, and after driving 26 hours, let Dean crash on the couch for a while. It wasn’t good sleep, but Dean awoke feeling somewhat better about things, though not quite enough to yet feel bad about leaving. However, hearing Sam’s voice of concern coming from the other room was about to help that feeling along.

“Yeah, he’s here… Yeah I know…” 

Dean could hear Sam pacing back and forth, but he remained still, trying to listen very hard.

“No, he’s fine Cas.. How are you?….. I can imagine…. Yeah… I haven’t gotten the chance to talk to him yet. Yeah… Alright man, take care…”

Of course… Of course Castiel would somehow manage to call before he could talk to Sam. Before he could explain…. Explain what? That yet again his temper got the best of him, and he flew off the handle with no real plan and ruined everything when things were finally looking up?

When Dean finally stirred, he made just enough noise so that Sam definitely knew he was awake. This conversation was going to go real well. ‘uh yeah, I’m a gigantic moron, and I ruin everything I touch because commitment terrifies me, and I have no idea how to respect the feelings of other people’.

He sighed and sat up, giving a half stretch. He was still in his dress pants, which were starting to get a little uncomfortable, and he felt like he could really use a fresh shower. But at this point, he’ll just be glad if Sam doesn’t stuff him back in the car.

“Dean, are you awake..?”

“Castiel called.”

Those two words struck Dean straight to his heart. He knew he messed up, he knew. And as awful as he felt, maybe this was better. He wasn’t moping around Castiel’s house, making everything depressing.

“What’d he have to say?”

Dean was just standing up when Sam appeared in the doorway, looking less than pleased about such a blasé question.

“He said that you two had a fight, and you just took off. And you’ve been gone ever since then. And he wanted to know if I’d heard from you because he was afraid…. well he was afraid you were going to hurt yourself again. Or.. Another accident.”

There was hurt in Sam’s voice, so he could only imagine Castiel’s and was thankful that Castiel hadn’t tried calling him. He had thought about hurting himself when he stopped at a motel, and all the thoughts were louder than the quiet, but he didn’t… And Castiel had a point. He lost a leg from leaving a fight angry, and CASTIEL WAS THE ONE THAT FOUND HIM. How could he place that burden on him like that again?

“Shit…”

“What’s the matter with you, Dean? You finally had something working. You were finally starting to be happy.. and you just run away at the first sign of a problem…”

“I KNOW…” He shouted, running his fingers through his hair. “I know….”

Sam sighed, shaking his head. “Why don’t you.. Go get a shower, and I’ll give you some clothes to wear, and once you’re done getting cleaned up, why don’t you give him a call?”

Dean let the idea sink in. Castiel was probably furious, and hurt, beyond belief. And if he started crying on the phone, Dean didn’t think he could handle it. But he finally conceded, “Fine…”

* * *

Dean turned up the warm water until it was borderline scalding, and the bathroom was shrouded in steam. He felt like he was draped in a soft blanket, letting the warmth fill him. He got in the shower, trying to be careful. He got spoiled by all the changes that Castiel had been willing to make, and he didn’t want to make a mess of himself by falling.

The hot water felt even better than the steam. He could feel all his muscles relax, feel his soul relax. He felt so calm here, and for the first time, his thoughts were still. It didn’t take long for the tears to well up in his eyes, the load of everything he’d done, tugging on his chest. It was in this moment of quiet and calm that it sunk in even more that this could be the end.

He made sure to take his time in drying off, not wanting to let the warmth leave his body. He saw the sweatpants that Sam set on the sink, and snatched them up, pulling him on. Of course, since Sam was a giant, Dean had to roll the waist band a few times, but he was reveling in his comfort. 

“Thanks, Sammy!!” He called out, and moved into an empty spare room. He pulled out his phone, and stared at it for a long time. He wanted nothing more than call, but he felt like he couldn’t bring himself to. He sighed and scrolled to Castiel’s contact, and hit the little phone. 

It rang, and rang, and rang. Until Gabriel answered, “What do you want Dean? We’re busy…” That wasn’t what he was expecting, though, he wondered why not. After all, he pretty much gave their relationship a giant middle finger.

“Gabe, I need to talk to Cas…”

“I dunno if that’s a good idea, there pal. You really screwed up the little guy. Maybe Michael was right about you.”

That really stung. He never wanted this, he overreacted and now everything was going wrong. It made him nauseous. “Please Gabe…”

He could hear Castiel asking who it was, but Gabriel simply said, “Gotta go..”

And the line went dead. 

He looked down at his phone, and sighed. At least he could say he tried. When he walked down stairs, Sam was trying to hang on to a subtle eager face, but Dean just shook his head. “It was a no go Sammy..”

“What?? Why???”

“I dunno.. Gabriel answered, and wouldn’t give Castiel the phone…” He shrugged, rubbing at his temples. He knew it wasn’t going to be easier to undo the damage, he’d done, but he thought, at least, he’d get at least get a chance to try.


	3. Michael was Right

Every once in a while, Dean would call Castiel’s phone, and he either got no answer, or Gabriel, delivering some small amount of sass. Eventually he resigned to let it be. It didn’t feel good, but he’d made his bed. He was trying to just.. move on. 

But some days were harder than others. Sam had his own life, and he felt bad for butting in, so most days he made himself scarce. He’d seen all the sights hem could possibly find, and had now begun to spend days lounging around the beach. 

It had been weeks. He was golden tan, more freckle than skin, and now he felt like he was ready to return to the house from which he came. He needed to get his things, he needed this closure. It was a topic that was causing grief between the brothers. 

“Dean, I want to come with you..” 

He shook his head, “Sam… I don’t think that’s a good idea.. I really need to do this myself..”

Dean felt like he needed to do this by himself. He needed whatever kind of confrontation that was going to happen to be between just them. Though he knew, he knew that it was going to be.. painful.

“Where are you going to go after you collect all your things?” 

“I dunno, Sammy… I might travel a bit.. I might settle down somewhere new, and just start all over. I feel like that might be the best thing.”

Sam didn’t like the sound of that either. He had his brother back finally, and now he was losing him all over it, or at least it felt like it.

* * *

After much deliberation, Dean hit the road. He was headed back the way he came. He was leaving the sun and fun behind him, cruising toward the unknown. As he drove along, he began thinking of all the places he could visit, all the states that he wouldn’t mind staying in. At least for a while. 

He wasn’t sure if he was really going to go through with it, the confrontation anyway, he definitely wanted to move. But he was riding this adrenaline high, letting his mind wander. Maybe this was all part of a greater picture. Now that he wasn’t angry, it was easier to look at things more clearly. 

Maybe this was the last piece of letting his injury go and everything that happened surrounding it. Maybe this was what was meant to happen. Castiel had taught him a lot about himself, about being a decent person, and loving life, and taking it one day at a time. And now maybe it was just time to take those lessons, and set himself free.

But Dean never liked to live in the maybe. He liked definites. He liked exact. And all he had was that he definitely loved Castiel. But was it fair to do this anymore? Since his accident, they’d been inseparable. Maybe that was part of it? Maybe they needed some space.

He hated that his circle of thinking kept bringing him back to maybes. So he cranked the music up and drowned out everything except the radio.

* * *

When he finally pulled up to the house, 30 hours later, he made sure to park further down the block than right in front. He could tell that someone was home because the lights were on, and he really hoped that it was Castiel and not Gabriel. That was going to be a whole different kind of conversation all together.

The walk up the path seemed to take forever, and he taking deep breaths in an attempt to not panic. When he finally reached the end, he knocked gently on the door, holding whatever breath was in his lungs. “Just a sec…” a voice called, but he couldn’t make out who through the thickness of the door.

He fidgeted a bit as he waited, and the second seemed to last forever. He had a house key of course, but he felt like his sudden reappearance and intrusion wouldn’t be taken to kindly.

It was Castiel that opened the door, smile giving way to seemingly horror. “Dean….?” All Dean could offer was a weak smile. 

“I’m sorry Cas… I would’ve called, but every time I try to call you, Gabriel answers instead.” Castiel went to reply, but Dean kept talking. “I know.. Gabriel said Michael was right about me.. and maybe to some extent he was.. and I’m sorry I hurt you so bad, I never meant to… It was selfish. And I’m sure you’re busy… let me just get my things, and I’ll be out of your hair…”

Castiel didn’t speak right away, lettings all of this information set in. He was furious at Gabriel for interfering, especially since it seemed like they were BOTH desperate to get a hold of each other. And he was also upset that Dean had come to get his things, the nail of finality in the coffin of their relationship. “You’re leaving for good?” His voice was weak, and he was trying to hold himself together.

“Don’t you think that’s for the best..” Dean replied, looking away, unable to keep eye contact. “I’m just going to keep hurting you… it’s all I know how to do, you know, hurt people…” He could feel the warm tears in his eyes, threatening to spill over. “You deserve so much more than the insanity I have to offer.. I’m unpredictable, and I’m messy, and all I do is destroy the things I love…” 

“That’s not true..” Castiel replied, reaching out for Dean’s hand, but he pulled away from the gentle touch. After a minute, he moved away from the door. “You can get your things, but I’d really wish you’d stay…” 

Dean knew he couldn’t do that. He WANTED to, but he needed to set him free. Michael was right, he was using Castiel. He had grown fond of this man who gave him a second chance at life, he loved him, loved being around him, kissing him, holding him. And it was selfish. Again, Michael was right, Castiel gave him so much, and he’d never be able to repay him. 

He made slow progress, collecting some things, leaving others behind. He made sure to grab clothes, but he left little tokens of his presence all over the place. When he finally felt like he had everything he needed, he walked back to the door where Castiel was still standing, the tears now raining from his cloudy blues, “Please don’t leave Dean..”

Dean could feel a stray tear sliding down his cheek. “Im sorry, Cas..” he said, placing a tender kiss on his cheek, scruff roughing against scruff, “Im sorry.. and I love you…”

The walk back to the impala was heart wrenching because he could feel Castiel’s eyes on him. When he looked back for the last time, Castiel had moved further out onto the porch, the sunlight reflecting all the pathways the tears had taken. His heart hurt.


	4. Rude Awakening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so like... I'm not entirely pleased with how this went, however, it was first attempt ever writing a fic and i know that it was really a game of figuring out my writing style and this series had lots of growth for me as a writer. thank you for sticking with me through this science experiment, and be sure to stick around. I have LOTS of ideas for more. 
> 
> you're all a blessing.
> 
> there WILL be an epilogue for this following the upload of the chapter.

Dean had found a cheaper extended stay motel to dive on into while he looked for a place to stay. He was at the bottom of his barrel. Why did he have to ruin everything good at ever came into his life? Maybe he had more John in him than he liked to admit. 

And that train of thought was obvious by the alcohol bottles that littered the hotel room, and the drunken haze he’d found himself in over the past couple days. He stopped answering the phone for Sam, Jo, and Bobby, ignored the calls from Castiel, though he was pretty sure it was Gabriel, or even worse, Michael, calling to remind him what a piece of shit he was. And though Benny tried to call, he didn’t have it in him to admit the failure to his therapist, someone who believed in him, even though he didn’t even believe himself.He was laying in bed when there was a knock at the door. He grumbled and rolled to the side of the mattress, nearly falling when he tried to stand. Who could that possibly be? It’s not like he was going out of his way to be inviting. When he got to the door, he tugged it open, and standing before him was the whole gang. Jo, Ellen, Bobby, Benny…

“I’m not interested…” He gruffed, but when he tried to shut the door, Bobby put out his hand and pushed back, causing Dean to stumble.

“Listen here idjit, I refuse to let you hole yourself up here like some kind of damn drama queen. I get you got some shit going on boy, but this ain’t what you’re gonna be doing for the rest of your life, Jesus, you’re not John, Dean, stop acting like it..”

The insult stung, and he silently stepped back, allowing this make shift intervention to pour into his space. He wasn’t John, and while he tried so hard not to live his life that way, apparently thats exactly what he was doing. He’d thought about it, and Bobby confirmed it. Why hadn’t he seen the signs sooner? That he was really screwing things up… He felt like all he needed to do was close his eyes.

* * *

When he opened his eyes back up, he was in a hospital bed. The white light was hurting his eyes, and he struggled to open them. He went to speak, but he gurgled instead, the breathing tube in his throat made it difficult to talk. What the actual hell just happened? He made to twitch his fingers instead. Someone must’ve noticed he was fidgeting, because there was immediate movement.

“Dean… are you awake…” He twitched his fingers again in response. “Nurse!! Nurse!” That voice was… hard to place. Sam? Bobby…? He opened his eyes finally, watering in the light, but then he focused. He was surrounded by Bobby, Sam, Ellen, Jo… and. Castiel. He remembered now. He remembered finding out that he’d lost his leg.. Had he? How much of what he experienced was a dream?

The doctor appeared, a smile on his face, “You gave us quite a scare Mr. Winchester..” Dean couldn’t respond, but just blinked at him. “That seizure sure gave us a cause for concern, but it seems like you’re very much awake now..”

It took a couple rounds of x-rays and such before his medical team was confident enough to remove the breathing tube, and then he drank enough water to make an ocean jealous. In light of real food, the nurse gave him some protein fortified ice cream, which still hurt his throat. No one spoke to him, just watched him. Like any minute now he was going to explode or something.

Eventually they all trickled out until it was just Sam and Castiel. 

“How are you feeling?” Castiel had his head tipped to the side, looking like a confused bird.

“I.. I feel like.. I got hit by a train…” Dean’s own gravelly voice gave Castiel’s a run for its money. The doctor said that the breathing tube could have side affects similar to a horrible sore throat, and he wasn’t wrong. It also felt strange breathing on his own, like a labor. 

“Yes.. well.. you were out for several weeks.” He replied, moving to sit next to him. “But we’re glad you’re going to be okay.” 

Dean had just… hallucinated like… almost a whole year of his life, but here, it’d only been a couple weeks. It all felt so real. He didn’t know how to cope with that, but he supposed he should’ve been thankful for the new chance not to fuck everything up John Winchester style.

* * *

His gracious family kept visits to a minimum for a couple days, since Dean felt exhausted. He got tons of sleep and was starting to feel relatively normal again. The doctor wanted several tests done, an EEG, an MRI, and all kinds of strange and bizarre things to take a peek inside his head.

“Well.. Mr. Winchester, it appears that you have suffered a mild traumatic brain injury. You could experience headaches, trouble sleeping or sleeping too much, nausea. Fortunately, it _looks_ less than severe. HOWEVER, if your symptoms ever get worse, you need to seek help asap. We’ll set you up with a neurologist, when we set up your physical rehab.” 

Sam thanked the doctor for all his help and turned his attention back to Dean. “At least you’re not dead.”

“Honestly, Sam… I’m glad I’m not dead too… I had this.. hallucination, or dream.. or something, and it was terrible. and I feel like.. I feel like I got a second chance? I mean.. obviously I did, because I’m alive, but I’m like… to be a different person.”

Sam raised a brow, looking at Dean like he’d grown another head. “Maybe the doctor should look at your head again…” He chuckled and patted Dean’s hand.


End file.
